Waiting........

We got a call on Tuesday for a baby girl that needed a home.  We were told we could go pick her up that evening or possibly Wednesday morning.  There was minimal info available on her...just that she was 1 month old, in the hospital and needed a home.  Our family said yes.  We started planning and preparing and shopping and cleaning and praying and cancelling plans and calling family and friends.........It is now Thursday and this tiny little girl is still not here.  We are waiting on paperwork and investigators and the system to figure our the best plan for this little girl's life.  It is a flawed system and one that I am easily frustrated with, feel hopeless within and helpless to make a real difference.  I know that there is a bigger plan for this child's life than the one that is being mapped out by officials and social workers and doctors......our God has known her and her course since before she was ever born, before I ever began stressing over her life. Although I know all this, it is still hard for me not to weigh all of the ways in which our family, our home, our church would be so good for her and feel that we are better than any other way or plan.  I know this is selfish of me, but I (our family) just wants so badly to help. 

We signed on to this foster care system as a way to have a child that we could not have on our own, and we have been blessed beyond measure by the addition of "tiny" to our home.  This past year was difficult as it forced us to truly examine why we felt called to foster care.  Would we, could we, do this again?  Did we just want a child or did we want to minister to the orphans?  Were we willing to set aside our own desires in order to do whatever it took to help, love, care? 

This call on Tuesday was unexpected.  We did not even know that our license had been reopened, our minds were not thinking of another child quite yet.  Nonetheless, we knew we wanted this child--even without knowing her whole story.  We wanted to open our home and our lives again: to live big, love big, learn big.  With "tiny" it was all so new and scary.  We didn't know what to expect or where to begin.  We realized pretty quickly that we didn't really need to know.  It was a hard lesson for me to let go, take it one day at a time, and trust in Him who knew already.  Never before has our family felt so loved, so covered in prayers, our "tiny" so adored.  We knew that this time around we could relax more and just enjoy the time---however long that may mean.

So, today, although I am frustrated and anxious and waiting........I am praying for a child that I have never met (although I hope I get to).  I hope our family gets the chance to surround her with love and watch her grow and be a part of her journey for however long we are able.  But if not, I know that my God is good, I know that our family is strong and I know that we were called to this strange rollercoaster of a journey for a reason.

The reason......

We had 3 amazing kiddos, good jobs, an easy and smooth life–we didn’t need another child to mess up what was so “good.” Our world, money, vacations, clothing was the the king of our home. We made the choice of a vasectomy when our youngest was only 8 weeks old………after all, it was the “right thing to do.” Two years later, we had a new King in our home; one who was exposing what was not so “right” and so “good” about our home. Through tears and prayer we regretted our hasty decision to take away whatever other blessings God had for us and our children. We were still new at this and thought that we could do it our way. We did the first “sensible” thing and traveled to Oklahoma, to one of the best reversal doctors in America, spent our savings, made things “right.” Now we would be able to calm this ache that God was stirring in our hearts for more children–right? It didn’t work…….all of the facts and the prognosis and the tears were for nothing. Why did our little family feel so strongly that someday there would be another child if my husband and I could not bear more? Through the guidance of a friend, adoption and foster care were suggested. We balked. How could we do this? What would it mean for our “easy” life? With much trepidation we stepped forward into unknown waters to meet our Lord where He wanted us to be…..finally. It took 2 years to get our license to foster–with many hurdles, tears and doubts along the way. We were told we would never receive an infant–they were “hard to come by.” Four weeks after being licensed we got the call. A baby girl was in need and we were the only home they could place her in–she needed a stay at home mom. She was 4 days old, she cried up to 20 hours a day, she was in the throes of withdrawal and was oh so tiny. Did we want her?  Our motives were selfish, our care was not for the "orphan" but rather for a child of our own, but we knew in that instant that was what God had put that ache there for, this is why we had a longing for another child, this little baby needed us…………….we needed her.  .“Tiny” came into our home last November and has never left. She is our daughter. We have seen that God is good–our children have seen God’s goodness and love in a situation that hasn’t always made sense. We wanted a child by birth into our family….God had other plans. If we could have had it the way we planned it, if it had happened the way we “wanted” it to, we would have missed out on this. We would never have known our daughter…….