Waiting........

We got a call on Tuesday for a baby girl that needed a home.  We were told we could go pick her up that evening or possibly Wednesday morning.  There was minimal info available on her...just that she was 1 month old, in the hospital and needed a home.  Our family said yes.  We started planning and preparing and shopping and cleaning and praying and cancelling plans and calling family and friends.........It is now Thursday and this tiny little girl is still not here.  We are waiting on paperwork and investigators and the system to figure our the best plan for this little girl's life.  It is a flawed system and one that I am easily frustrated with, feel hopeless within and helpless to make a real difference.  I know that there is a bigger plan for this child's life than the one that is being mapped out by officials and social workers and doctors......our God has known her and her course since before she was ever born, before I ever began stressing over her life. Although I know all this, it is still hard for me not to weigh all of the ways in which our family, our home, our church would be so good for her and feel that we are better than any other way or plan.  I know this is selfish of me, but I (our family) just wants so badly to help. 

We signed on to this foster care system as a way to have a child that we could not have on our own, and we have been blessed beyond measure by the addition of "tiny" to our home.  This past year was difficult as it forced us to truly examine why we felt called to foster care.  Would we, could we, do this again?  Did we just want a child or did we want to minister to the orphans?  Were we willing to set aside our own desires in order to do whatever it took to help, love, care? 

This call on Tuesday was unexpected.  We did not even know that our license had been reopened, our minds were not thinking of another child quite yet.  Nonetheless, we knew we wanted this child--even without knowing her whole story.  We wanted to open our home and our lives again: to live big, love big, learn big.  With "tiny" it was all so new and scary.  We didn't know what to expect or where to begin.  We realized pretty quickly that we didn't really need to know.  It was a hard lesson for me to let go, take it one day at a time, and trust in Him who knew already.  Never before has our family felt so loved, so covered in prayers, our "tiny" so adored.  We knew that this time around we could relax more and just enjoy the time---however long that may mean.

So, today, although I am frustrated and anxious and waiting........I am praying for a child that I have never met (although I hope I get to).  I hope our family gets the chance to surround her with love and watch her grow and be a part of her journey for however long we are able.  But if not, I know that my God is good, I know that our family is strong and I know that we were called to this strange rollercoaster of a journey for a reason.

The advent and The elf--day 14

Advent day 14 (11 days til Christmas)

Gus was snuggled into the manger scene with Joseph, Mary, baby Jesus, a camel and a sheep......how amazing it must have been to really be there on the night of the Birth!

There were great intentions of this being the year to do an epic amount of Christmas baking, but with a full and busy schedule, a tight budget and a little one underfoot we have been keeping the baking somewhat minimal.  Kaelan requested plain chocolate chip cookies, so that is what we made.  Addie and I also worked on making up some sugar cookie dough to get chilled and then we did go ahead and make up 2 batches of Friendship bread and a batch of Snickerdoodles, so I guess we didn't do too bad after all.  There is nothing like a house with a brightly lit tree that smells of good things to eat!!



The advent and The elf--day 13

Advent day 13 (12 days til Christmas)

"He sees you when you're sleeping....."  This was the message scrawled across the bathroom mirror (a very streaky, dirty mirror I must add!)  and Gus was hanging over the top of it!

This is one of our family's favorite Christmas activities!  Unfortunately we did not get to dip with Dustin as he had to go in and work a double : (  The kids had a lot of fun and Autumn had fun licking the spoons!  We made so many pretzels.........and they are being eaten up just as fast!



The advent and The elf--day 12

Advent day 12 (13 day til Christmas)

Gus's perch this morning : )

Well, this is proof that plans change!  The advent calendar told us to "go to the Missouri History Museum", but the state of our family said otherwise.  The plan had been to attend homeschool day at the History Mueum for their "winter wonderland" celebration, but after a very, very long weekend  and a cranky Tiny, we decided it was best for the family to have a stay home day.  It was well worth it! Proof that sometimes being home is better than going out--no matter how much fun the day could have been, we all needed to just be at home!

The advent and The elf--day 11

Advent day 11 (14 days til Christmas)

The kids were so glad to finally see this as the advent event of the day.....unfortunately this momma could have done some better planning when choosing this day as the day to decorate.  Today we had Sunday School and church, Dustin worked days, Addie had a afternoon soccer game, momma had baking to do and we had a missional group get-together in the evening.  With tears in Addie's eyes I had to explain to the kids that I wasn't sure we would really get to decorate the tree today after all, but after a very,very long day we pulled out the ornament box and decorated the tree at 9:30 at night!  It was a little "less beautiful and peaceful" than I would have imagined it to be, but it is done and looks great and I guess that is all that matters!

(Dustin was the photo taker..........can you tell!!!!!)

When we got up this morning Gus was patiently waiting in our tree, with lights and garland but no ornaments.  I think he was very glad that we went ahead and finished decorating the tree tonight!

The reason......

We had 3 amazing kiddos, good jobs, an easy and smooth life–we didn’t need another child to mess up what was so “good.” Our world, money, vacations, clothing was the the king of our home. We made the choice of a vasectomy when our youngest was only 8 weeks old………after all, it was the “right thing to do.” Two years later, we had a new King in our home; one who was exposing what was not so “right” and so “good” about our home. Through tears and prayer we regretted our hasty decision to take away whatever other blessings God had for us and our children. We were still new at this and thought that we could do it our way. We did the first “sensible” thing and traveled to Oklahoma, to one of the best reversal doctors in America, spent our savings, made things “right.” Now we would be able to calm this ache that God was stirring in our hearts for more children–right? It didn’t work…….all of the facts and the prognosis and the tears were for nothing. Why did our little family feel so strongly that someday there would be another child if my husband and I could not bear more? Through the guidance of a friend, adoption and foster care were suggested. We balked. How could we do this? What would it mean for our “easy” life? With much trepidation we stepped forward into unknown waters to meet our Lord where He wanted us to be…..finally. It took 2 years to get our license to foster–with many hurdles, tears and doubts along the way. We were told we would never receive an infant–they were “hard to come by.” Four weeks after being licensed we got the call. A baby girl was in need and we were the only home they could place her in–she needed a stay at home mom. She was 4 days old, she cried up to 20 hours a day, she was in the throes of withdrawal and was oh so tiny. Did we want her?  Our motives were selfish, our care was not for the "orphan" but rather for a child of our own, but we knew in that instant that was what God had put that ache there for, this is why we had a longing for another child, this little baby needed us…………….we needed her.  .“Tiny” came into our home last November and has never left. She is our daughter. We have seen that God is good–our children have seen God’s goodness and love in a situation that hasn’t always made sense. We wanted a child by birth into our family….God had other plans. If we could have had it the way we planned it, if it had happened the way we “wanted” it to, we would have missed out on this. We would never have known our daughter…….

The advent and The elf--day 10

Advent day 10 (15 days til Christmas)
Today Dustin and I drove back to Springfield to finish up our adoption certification training.  Kaelan, Addie and Autumn stayed at Grandma and Grandpa's while we were gone. Tristan had spent the night at a friend's birthday party and was fast asleep at Grandma's after staying up all.......night......long........!!!!! With Tristan being gone this morning that left Addie and Kaelan to find our friend Gus.....he was hiding in my egg nog bowl!

 Addie also got to scratch off the day's advent card before hurrying out the door to Grandma's.

 Now, I have to admit that Addie has been pretty upset and confused recently as to why our house is one of the only ones that she has been in lately that does not already have a tree yet, so she was estatic when we read the card this morning.  After gathering the kids from mom and dad's we headed over to Lowes (yes, boring old Lowes) to get our tree.  Tristan opted to stay in the car and sleep (poor guy started to cry every time he opened his eyes he was so tired)  Kaelan and Addie picked the 2nd tree Dustin held up and since I had vowed not to stress over the tree I said yes.......

It isn't a bad tree...just one with a lot of "character."  It has wimpy branches, a severely crooked trunk and the bottom 1 1/2 feet of branches are either bare, dead or nonexistent!  The kids love it so it is perfect, besides a dark house and lots of lights on the branches always helps!

And there is nothing quite so great as hearing a little one's "AAAAAHHHHHH" as they come around the corner to find a bright, sparkly thing standing there just waiting to be adored.